Boot 'n' Brawl Fantasy Camp
by Axletia Rosonetis
Summary: A trip gone wrong, a father gone overboard, and a gym leader trying to deal with his loser friends. What can be more meaningful than the bonds of friendship ? Rated T for language.
1. The Trip

Chapter 1: The Trip

_Ahh, I've been working on this since August and am I glad I managed to finish my way through it. :D It was originally going to be just a oneshot, but uh, I wrote it a little too long to be one, so I decided to chunk it up into three chapters. c: _

_It's good to be trying to write again._

* * *

><p>Once upon a time in a past not so long ago, the American government grew fascinated with a certain type of creature that was said to have mysterious powers. These creatures, called pokemon, were similar to animals in appearance and often battled for the natives' personal reasons. Seeing those pokemon as a means to the ultimate war weapon, the American government decided to send out a squad of the most macho military men.<p>

However, the government quickly forgot about the pokemon as its feeble mind turned to UFO sightings, and the squad on duty decided to take leisure upon travelling on foreign soil. After all, the pokemon were easy to train and the women even easier. The young army men spent three years having casual flings with various babes among the four leading regions, many of the babes being young Nurse Joys or Officer Jennies.

One of the Nurse Joys, who had a fling with the only army man who came back to the regions to live, became pregnant and moved to Sinnoh in order to escape the American ties. She would give birth a handsome boy named Volkner, who would gain support from many girls and boys over his childhood years. Though barely aware of his father's identity, young Volkner didn't need any male influences to become quite successful, though his machoness was lacking. He'd establish his own identity in the world of pokemon, meeting many friends and admirers along the way. Young Volkner, the best gym leader in the entire Sinnoh region.

About twenty years later, the young man would decide to pursue a different dream with his friends. And so they were on an airplane headed for Kanto...

"Naaa, these hamburgers aren't fast-food fried like in the brochure. Volk, grab me those ketchup packets, would ya ?"

Volkner sighed and shifted his mp3 player out of place as he grabbed the few ketchup packets from the cup holder. He didn't understand why his friend couldn't just lean forward and grab the packets himself, but most of his friends were losers. Girls thought Flint was that lovable scamp with a bushy red afro, and at times he did have a brotherly influence on Volkner...but losers were still losers, for Arceus's sake. If the expenses weren't already paid for, Flint probably would've pushed his share on someone else. Probably on good ol' Volk.

Losers.

He handed his friend the packets, grimacing as he fast-forwarded a song. That electronica beat was not suitable for Flint's lazy antics. "Here you go, loser. I hope the ketchup tastes wetter with my hard work tainting it."

"Haha, aren't you in a good mood, Volk. Thanks, bud."

Flint proceeded to douse his hamburger with many squirts of the red condiment. It was amazing how much dignity could be lost with dinner alone. Volkner watched his friend stuff his ketchup-drenched packets into the spaces of his mouth. The sight was rather disgusting, seeing as chewing food with a closed mouth was a foreign concept, but the confidence made the man look the part of older brother, attractive and unruly. (Well, maybe _attractive_ wasn't the best term.)

But it was still _disgusting._

"Can't you chew with your mouth closed ? I invite you - no, you invite _yourself_ - to come on this all-expense paid trip with me to what could be the best experience of my life, and you're acting like a caveman before we even get there. What can you say for yourself ?"

"Pfft, and what about the other two ?"

Volkner groaned. He hated to admit it, but his loser caveman friend had a point. Across from them sat their other companions, Lucian and Aaron. They were a couple of nice guys, but they weren't exactly the kind of people Volkner wanted to be associated with on a friendly basis. Lucian was one of those pretty-boy metrosexuals who flirted with all of the ladies. His fancy for martinis, suede suits, and dark-tinted glasses advertised class and superiority. But Volkner knew that was just a face for Lucian's possible alcohol problems. Every time. Every time they had a poker game or a soccer match to watch, the classy metrosexual would have some kind of drink in his water bottle. Sometimes it was water. Most of the time it was not. And Lucian wasn't a cool drunk.

On the other hand, Aaron acted like himself. That was the problem. He was scrawny, inconfident, and wore shorts all four seasons. Every weekend he would hang out with middle schoolers to catch frogs and bug pokemon, and all of the college frat boys would laugh at him. Although Volkner wasn't a college guy, he would often join Aaron's predators. That guy was just begging to get pranked. Every time his undies were pulled over his head or he sat in paint, Aaron would spend an hour flailing and crying. The only reason Volkner picked him over Roark was that Roark was on a family vacation or something.

Flint was right. He was the best guy of the three.

Across from them Aaron shook his DS. "Aww, Mario fell into the alligator pit again ! Now he'll never be able to save Princess Peach !" he said, groaning.

Lucian scoffed. "Why would you want to save a blonde bimbo like Peach ? Everyone knows Luigi and that fat dude are also being led on by her. Now Princess Zelda, my friend, is a worthy apple to be picked."

He swished his water bottle around and smirked. Aaron pouted, his pasty cheeks turning a rosy red as he shook the DS again. "No one understands my adoration for Princess Peach ! Her flowing blonde hair and gorgeous gowns are a part of every man's dream. And sometimes I wish I could be a girl for a day just so I could cosplay as Princess Peach. Then all of the warriors would fall for me, and-"

"Wait a minute," Flint interrupted. "Aaron, why do you have to be such a pansy ? If you dressed like a chick for a day, I'll betcha a million bucks that no one would see you as any different. But hey, maybe you could get those middle schoolers to roll over your dress, bro. You could be the princess of all the pansies in the world. That'd be the most exciting thing you've done in your life, wouldn't it ?"

"But-"

"Yeah, putting on makeup and dresses while you talk to your dozen boyfriends and play with your crown so you can go up to the club, huh ? And then you'll dance around with those dozen boyfriends and they'll offer you drinks, and you'll get so stone-cold hammered that they'll lock you up in the castle for good. Okay, Princess Aaron, I see how it is. Heh. I s'pose I'll be one of those boyfriends you'll be hangin' out with."

"And everyone knows that pink dresses are out of season," Lucian added haughtily, pushing up his glasses.

"Nnn, waaah. _Waaaaaah.._."

Lucian took a long swig from his water bottle. Flint snickered and went back to eating his hamburger, ignoring the weeping man who suddenly clung to Volkner's legs. As Aaron's wailing was as loud as a Screech attack, Volkner tried to console him, but there was no use. They were always doing this to him, those two, and Volkner was always the one to handle the mess. Actually, wasn't that the case with any mess they made ? Whenever a bill went unpaid, a liquor cabinet demolished, or the peace shattered, wasn't it always his problem ? Wasn't he always the one to bail them out or save them from Cynthia's wrath or...or...

"Volkner, you believe in my dreams, don't you ?"

The Pokemon League did not pay him enough for this crap.

* * *

><p>Early on the next morning, Volkner was awakened by the low drone of the pilot's voice telling everyone that their flight had landed safe and sound in Vermilion City. Caring less about the details, he yawned and checked the time on the digital clock. 4:30. Great, even time was against him, mocking his two pitiful hours of sleep. For being the cool and composed one, he had never wanted to push Flint out of the plane like he did last night. His jokes and macho masculinity were not interesting. No one wanted to hear about his afro. And Volkner swore to Arceus if that guy didn't stop talking about Candice...<p>

Volkner sighed. It was too damn early to get agitated. He got up from his seat and shuffled into the aisle, careful not to step too hard on Aaron, who had made himself comfortable on the floor after his crying fit. Most of the passengers had reluctantly awakened and were already off the plane. As he was about to make his own departure, he thought about waking his buddies. And that thought exploded like a Geodude. Let them give him some peace before their rockstar debuts.

Some peace, that is. While he was slowly waking up in the airport, he had that unmistakable feeling that he was being watched. Not unusual, except that most people were still asleep. Then again, he read in the brochure that Kantonians were notorious for doting over tourists, even stalking them sometimes. And he was a handsome fella...but he did have a girlfriend. That feeling had to go away.

It wasn't until he was outside that he decided to call out his Luxray to investigate. The feline pokemon was annoyed and growled at his trainer, but Volkner ignored him. "C'mon, Lux, I'll let you sleep in all day if you do this for me," he murmured. "Just use a quick Spark in the bushes."

"Luuux..."

A faint line of electricity whizzed past Volkner and into the bushes, sending a pink-faced Aaron in the air. He cried out in pain as he clutched his rear. Satisfied at his target, Luxray grinned and went back into his poke ball. Volkner also couldn't help but crack a small smile, but he knew this situation called for seriousness. "Hey, what are you doing following me around like a stalker, buddy ?"

Aaron's cheeks turned pinker, and he promptly took his hands off his rear. "Ahh-d-well, the travel book says that when entering into a foreign land, you should always have a travel buddy." He shook his head. "I wanted to make up for yesterday, so I wanted to be your super-dependable travel buddy. That is...if you'll have me."

"Were _you_ being followed ?"

"N-No. I think the stewardess was just trying to wake the others up. It wasn't working."

"Good. Let's walk."

And so they walked. Neither of them was familiar with the Kanto region, so they decided to stick to the main streets of Vermilion. Kanto wasn't that different from Sinnoh. It had a peaceful atmosphere as the first flock of Pidgey searched for bread crumbs. The city appeared to be as clean as Sunyshore, although there were no solar panels in sight. This would be an ideal place to become a wannabe rockstar.

Volkner felt smug. It was about a month ago that he had received those invitations in the mail. Four crudely-made passes, decorated with skulls and lightning bolts, inviting Volkner and three of his guests to rock out at a rock-and-roll fantasy camp. All-expense paid, with instruments and a wild experience guaranteed. The invitation had Volkner wired up like a giddy schoolboy in puberty. He had even made Roark and Candice check his prizes to make sure they weren't frauds. The details seemed legitimate, although Candice was still a little skeptical. But Volkner was fine with a few sketchy details. Only problem now was his company.

An awkward silence loomed above the two of them. To be honest Volkner didn't know Aaron very well. They were always grouped together in their adventures, but there was never much of a real conversation. Well, Aaron was always crying and being set on fire. It was kind of hard to keep a straight face around that guy. He didn't know much about Aaron...not even his last name, really. But it was worth a try.

He stretched out his arms and smacked Aaron on the back. The man winced but gave a sheepish smile in reply. Volkner knew communication would be hard. "Hey, so look at us. We're the two studs who will grab everyone's attention."

"Hmm ? Oh, yeah. I'm very glad you decided to invite me, Volkner. I didn't think we were that close."

"Sure we're close. You have a little sister, don't you ?"

" A little brother," Aaron corrected. "He's the leader of the Azalea Gym in Johto. I'm so proud of him."

"Johto, huh ? That's nice."

Silence. Volkner couldn't help but feel a small bout of embarrassment. From the photos Aaron had shown him, he could've swore that that kid was a girl. Looked like femininity ran in the family. At least he knew Aaron had a brother now. A brother that ran a gym. That could strike up plenty of conversations...maybe...

No.

They continued to walk around for what seemed like forever. Volkner was still transfixed on the gender details. So Aaron was a guy who wanted to dress up as a chick and had a brother who apparently was already doing that. Ridiculous. He shouldn't have agreed to be a so-called travel buddy to Aaron. Why did they even need to be paired together like children ? Aaron was _older_ than him. It didn't make any sense. And why was that guy flailing and jumping now ?

"Aaron, would you please stop jumping up and down like a psycho ?" Volkner snapped.

Aaron blushed and lowered one of his hands. With his raised hand, he scratched his head, then pointed to an old, moldy building. Volkner wrinkled his nose and wondered why Aaron would point at something so...old. Its gutters were dripping leaves and wet stuff. The paint was a puke-like green and peeling. The Rattata even had no problem making their family pack alongside the trash cans. Most buildings in Sunyshore were in better-quality condition than this. Most buildings didn't have barb-wired fences surrounding them, either.

Sure enough, however, the sign above the building read, "B and B Fantasy Camp." Volkner chuckled and smacked Aaron on the back again. "Well, lookie here, Aaron. You found it."

"Ahh...yeah."

"Hehe. Well, we did it. Why don't we go in and get a headstart on those other two...Mr. Travel Buddy ?"

"Sure, okay !"

They approached the building. Volkner opened the door to greet his nose with a foul odor, a gross mixture of meat and sweat. As they walked into the dim building, there seemed to be no one else there. Maybe the rockstars were using the surprise tactic to greet them. That was always being done on TV. Volkner cupped his hands over his mouth and cried, "Hello, Vermilion ! Are you out there ?"

Nothing. Volkner bit his lip. Those rockstars were playing their roles really well. He cupped his hands again. "Hello ?"

"Maybe no one's home, Volkner."

"Quiet, you. Hello ? _Hello_ ?"

"Hellooo...maggots !"

That voice. But more importantly a flurry of rocks and thumbtacks began to pelt the two men. They cringed and attempted to shield themselves by using their arms. Volkner grunted, grabbing his travel buddy by the shirt collar and making them dunk behind two trash cans. The rocks and tacks continued to beat against the cans, piercing and denting the metal objects. A few of the pins managed to whiz over the cans and prick Aaron in the forehead, causing him to cry out in pain.

Volkner ran a hand through his spiked hair. Either this was an extreme greeting or an attempt to seriously injure them. When two Electabuzz began to throw their electric powers around, the blonde figured it was the latter. He grimaced, watching the yellow streaks bounce around the room, threatening them. Well, if the so-called rockstars wanted to use electricity, he could...but no, Luxray was his only pokemon on hand, and he wasn't about to come out of his poke ball again. Something had to be done. Someone could help them...someone...

"Hey, Aaron, call out any pokemon you have ! We need back-up !"

"I have one, but-"

"Do it."

"B-But-"

_"DO IT !"_

He yanked Aaron's belt off of his shorts and flung it in the air. A Cascoon sank to the ground. The Electabuzz paused and snickered, pointing at the flailing bug pokemon. Volkner smacked his forehead as the enemies were drawing near. Maybe it would've been better if he would've just stayed on the plane with the others, or even if he had paid closer attention to Candice's skepticism. He turned to Aaron, who was full-on piggy-faced. They were about to be knocked out by Electabuzz, and he had to be a wimpy, useless geek. It was tough.

"Aaron ?"

"Yeah, Volkner ?"

"You're the worst travel buddy ever !"

"Sorry."

End


	2. The Father

Chapter 2: The Father

"Wake up ! Wake up, wake up, wake up, you stinking maggots ! AAAAAAAAHHH !"

Volkner slowly opened one eye, right before the bucket of water was thrown upon him. He winced and led his vision to Aaron. His travel buddy was still out like a light, chocolate smeared all over his face. Next to him was a swirly-eyed Cascoon. Useless. He opened his other eye and focused on the meaty face that glared back at him. Really meaty. Tanned, big-boned...blonde, spiky hair. All along he should have known better. A rock and roll fantasy camp in Vermilion City ? Absolutely ridiculous. He tilted his head back and returned the glare to that meaty face. "What are you planning now, _Dad_ ?"

The meaty face blinked and furrowed his eyebrows. Yes, Lieutenant Surge, the macho man with the meaty muscles, otherwise known as his father. He was patriotically proud of both his American and Kantonian homelands. Unfortunately, he was also loud, obnoxious, and the biggest jerk ever, even worse than Flint. Volkner was grateful that his mother refused to hand him over to his father's countless schemes of dragging him into the military. (Actually, his mother had refused to grant Surge visitation rights until Volkner became a legal adult, only two years ago.) When they had last talked over the phone, Volkner had barely avoided a post-apocalyptic training simulator by the skin of his teeth. Needless to say, they were not very close.

More blinking. Then the lieutenant smirked and grabbed Volkner's shoulders, craning his head just inches from the younger blonde. "Do not talk back to your superior officer, maggot !" he barked. "I have invited you and your loser friends here to shape you up into physical...uh, shape ! You four will be treated like the sissy princesses you are as this week will introduce you to manly pride ! Fail to respect my authority, and I will report you to the Kantonian government as fugitives, is that clear ?"

"Ha, there's only the two of us, Dad ! You've lost two maggots !"

"Ha-ha ! While you were out, Sleeping Beauty, I apprehended the other pansies and put 'em in the other room ! Mission accomplished !"

"Shit."

"Yes ! I finally have you cornered, maggot ! Now drop and gimme fifty ! NOW, NOW, NOW !"

The door was kicked forward so Volkner would fall to the ground. He groaned, having no choice but to drop to his stomach and start the push-ups. Better with pokemon training than combat fighting, he wasn't the most fit man on the planet. He could've refused to give his father fifty, but the two Electabuzz from earlier looked eager to throw Thunderbolts around if any resistance was made. There was no need to become paralyzed.

One eye concentrated on the ground as he raised and lowered himself. The other eye focused on his father, who was laughing boisterously. Surge wasted no time in waking up Volkner's travel buddy. Rubbing his meaty hands together, the lieutenant grabbed Aaron by the shoulders and tossed him to the floor. Aaron rolled over in panic, staring up at Surge with bulging eyes. "Ahh, what kind of monster are you ?"

_ "I AM NOT A MONSTER, YOU WEAK, WORMY MAGGOT. I AM LIEUTENANT SURGE OF VERMILION CITY, KANTO, AND I WILL DEMAND RESPECT FROM ALL OF MY LOWLIFE ROOKIES, ESPECIALLY FROM A LOWLIFE MAGGOT LIKE YOU, WO-...Wormy ?"_

_ "WAAAH. WAAAAH. WAAAAAAAH."_

Aaron flailed back and forth with his weeping Cascoon clinging to his head. Volkner finished his push-ups and stared at his travel buddy, pleased yet embarrassed. The Electabuzz gawked with dropped jaws, wondering how any human could act so pathetically. Surge's jaw also dropped, and he hastily grabbed a taser and shocked the green-haired man. Aaron yelped louder, but his weeping soon turned into choked sobs, and the lieutenant dragged him to his feet. "Okay, Wormy, obviously you're a lot more scrawnier and weaker than I expected," he admitted. "Pro'lly the biggest pansy in this bunch. BUT DON'T WORRY, WORMY. You're never too weak to work on toilet duty ! Beef, Smoke, escort this pansy to the latrines !"

The Electabuzz obeyed, dragging Aaron to his destination. The Cascoon fell from his head and started to flail again. Surge shook his head and turned to Volkner, pointing a finger at him. "Looks like you'll be going solo for now, maggot ! Do not think things will be easy for you and your pansy friends ! Now just because Wormy is on toilet duty does not mean he escapes training ! You will do double for him, SO DROP AND GIMME FIFTY MORE ! NOW, NOW, NOW !"

Damn Aaron to Heatran's blistering-hot bowels.

* * *

><p>Three days passed. It was the middle of the night, about one or two in the morning, the perfect time for the Rattata to invade the building and steal whatever crumbs they could find. Volkner found this out the hard way as he trudged through the craptacular quarters and was bitten on the foot. All he could hear was a squeaky hiss and the scattering of tiny paws. Thankfully he had his rabies shots. Never did like those rodents.<p>

The past three days were miserable. So many push-ups and sit-ups and lightning bolts and hollering. Some were made for the military; he was not, at least not under his father's direction. Surge was a relentless lieutenant, drilling him from dawn to way past dusk. Volkner saw Aaron scrubbing the stalls with his flailing Cascoon every day, but he hadn't seen Flint or Lucian except when they were passed out on the cement. They were all exhausted.

The Rattata's bites made him more alert. He kicked the air and wished Luxray wasn't still mad at him. The barracks were just ahead, and he slipped in without notice. Aaron was alone in one corner, the nervous Cascoon by his feet. Volkner couldn't help but smile a little. That dork was annoying but still cute at times, even if he was the cause of Volkner's doubling pain.

On the other side were Flint and Lucian. Based on their fast-food and alcohol consumptions, they had a tougher experience with the boot camp. Even on the other side of the building, Volkner could still hear Lucian's exaggerated vomiting. He doubted Flint was much better off, either. From the strained communication he had with his father, the lieutenant had vocally expressed his dislike of the afroheaded jokester. (That dislike stemmed from one of his rare visits in Sunyshore when Volkner was eight, when Flint threw a hammer at the lieutenant's face. The damage wasn't permanent...not physically, but Surge had a problem with the grudges.) They were probably in a worse boat than Volkner was.

Still, none of them deserved this kind of treatment. They were all losers, but they shouldn't have been tricked by that beefcake fat-ass. Something had to be done, so he walked over to the other side and shook Aaron. Wormy was the easiest to wake up by far. Flint kicked in his sleep but was rolled over on his side within a couple of minutes. Lucian was the hardest to wake up, probably because of his alcohol deprivation, but luckily Flint dealt with him.

When they were half-awake, Volkner decided to talk to them. "So, have things sucked as much as for you guys ?"

Lucian scoffed, glaring at the others. "You've got a lot of nerve. That fat bastard took my flask and drank straight from it. As soon as I'm out of this, I am sending him an angry letter."

"Ease up, Lucy, it's not all Volk's fault," Flint said. "It's not so bad. Mr. Surge hates me. The feeling's mutual. I put cornflakes in his beer. Heh."

"And he makes the toilets so icky !" Aaron cried. "Oh, Arceus, the toilets !"

"You be quiet, Wormy. Guys, we need a plan, Volkner stated, sighing. "My dad's evil. He'll stop at nothing to make us into soldier, but we're supposed to be rockstars. I want revenge as much as the rest of you. What are we gonna do ?"

Flint grinned. "Well, whatever we do we should do it in the morning. He's gonna be pissed over that cornflake thing. Aren't we doing that obstacle course ?"

"Nooo, double toilet duty, nooo..."

Volkner groaned. The obstacle course, of course. One of his father's favorite pastimes was running obstacle courses. He remembered hearing the lieutenant brag about it in previous conversations. A solid mile designated to be run in an hour's time or face the unknown consequences. It may have sounded like a simple task, but the course was swamped with barbed wire, wild pokemon, potholes, and other injuring obstacles. Out of a hundred people, only ninety-nine and a half men survived. Ninety-nine and a half.

He shook his head, furrowing his eyebrows. He refused to come out of Kanto as a half a man. "We gotta fight him somehow. I think I have a plan that might work. One of us'll have to run the obstacle course tomorrow. Aaron, you wouldn't make it the first few feet, so you're out. While one of runs - or prepares to run - the obstacle course, the rest of us will go on sabotage duty. I can't say what the sabotage will be just yet, but do we have any volunteers ?"

Flint raised his hand. "Suppose I'll be the hero. Obstacle courses are always a fun challenge for me," he said, grinning. "Besides, Volk and Lucy, you guys'll have an awesome team...with Aaron as a lackey, of course. I'd probably wreck the plan by acting impulsively. You guys- you guys can totally pull this off, I know it."

"Thanks, Flint."

The group continued to discuss their plans for the morning. According to the plan, Flint was to report to the obstacle course area at 0500 hours, barefoot and all. He would attempt to delay his obstacle-running at all costs, even by infuriating the lieutenant. Surge had a horrible temper, so that wasn't hard to do. And since Flint was one of his top enemies, the task would be even easier. Piece o' cake.

Meanwhile, about an hour earlier Volkner and Lucian rushed to the bathroom to fetch Aaron. It was a disgusting place despite all of his toothbrush-thorough cleaning, and Volkner realized how much worse Wormy had it during the week. Sitting on the sink, Aaron was waiting for them with his flustered face. He waved them over with a toothbrush and leaned his head against the wall. It was obvious that he was panicking. "You guys, are you sure this is a good idea ?" he asked, flailing his toothbrush. "Are you absolutely, positively, certainly sure ? Have you guys already thought of all of the possible consequences ? Have you seriously thought about all of them ?"

Lucian slapped him. "I can't handle you without the juice !"

Aaron flinched. Volkner shook his head and patted him on the back. "He doesn't mean it too much, Wormy. But yes, we're all prepared of what might come. You got your supplies ?"

"Y-Yeah. Two toilet scrubbers, three toothbrushes, and all of the toothpaste and baking soda I can find."

"Excellent. And we've got two very useful screwdrivers. Now move over so I can get up."

Volkner shoved Aaron to the side and climbed up the stairs. Above them was the ventilation shaft. Arceus only knew what was inside, but Volkner didn't have much of a choice but to unscrew the lid, which he did with a _thunk!_. Immediately a rotten odor blasted through his face, and he almost fell backward with a coughing spell. "Man, this smells bad," he said, groaning. "It's like all of Dad's waste from twenty years ago came back to haunt us ! You got my rear, Lucian ?"

"As much as I ever want to."

"Good. Wormy, make sure you follow us when you're done."

"Got it, Volkner !"

"Good."

He elbowed his way up through the shaft. It probably would've been a cramped fit for little girls, much less two grown men. Again, that awful smell was pushing against them. Rockstars didn't have to deal with that crap, so why should they ? Covering his nose under his arm, he plowed through the space until he reached the key vent they were needing to make the mission a success.

Out came the screwdriver. Volkner rolled over on his side and began unscrewing the vent. He felt himself kicking Lucian in the face a couple of times, but the mission had to succeed. As the lid fell forward with a _thunk-thunk!_, he craned his head slightly to peep down at their surroundings. An empty room for now, complete with ultrapatriotic American and Kantonian flags, quality cans of beer and Tab, and a dusty weight-lifting set with old Rattata nests. This was definitely Surge's room.

Behind him Lucian's voice was droning on like an old lady. Volkner almost wished he would've taken Wormy along for the mission instead. At least Wormy didn't complain like a little girl. He couldn't be focused on his cranky companion at the moment. The focus had to be on the plan, his father, and any random obstacles on the spot. "We're going down."

"-and then he spat at me and called me a fruitcake. And then he tried to break my glasse-"

-thumpTHUNK-

They slammed into a table, cracking several glasses and a spaghetti-stained plate. While Lucian glared at him, Volkner rubbed his head and reached for the backpack carrying his supplies. There was no time to dawdle or be affected by head injuries. He pulled out everything he saved and plundered from the cabinets in the past week - mustard bottles, ketchup bottles, rotted mayonnaise, stale pickles, two cans of expired beets, spoiled milk, and a soaking toilet paper roll of whatever Surge had yesterday (something bright orange). Volkner hoped to Arceus that that bright orange was just vomit.

There was also a blender with no lid, along with two bottles of confiscated diet Coke and a pack of Mentos. Volkner grinned as he dumped the food and Mentos in the blender. If everything went according to plan, that Ursaring rug would be destroyed. Maybe a couple of the windows would break. Once again Lucian was pestering him, showing off his nasty alcohol withdrawal symptoms, until his eyes caught the beer cans. It took all of Volkner's strength to drag the man from the temptation. "Hey, you can get hammered any other time," he growled, turning on the blender.

The appliance began to wail and splatter the contents around the container at its lowest setting. Lucian glared at him as he shook up the diet Cokes and opened them. A fizz dribbled down the sides of the bottle, which reflected Lucian's grimace. "I didn't put up with this hell for nothing !"

He pushed Volkner aside, but the blonde would not take a shove lightly as he returned the favor. "What's_ your_ problem ? You can't even be nice for one day without being drunk ? Is that any kind of example you should really lead ?"

"Oh, go home crying to your mommy ! I can handle my liquor and be sober when the occasion arises ! I do it all the time when I'm working !"

"Bullshit ! I see you on the television half-crocked all the time !"

"Dammit, I hate everything about you !"

The diet Cokes continued to shake up as a shoving match ensued. Someone pushed against the blender's highest setting, and the contents splashed against the men's clothes. Volkner was near his end of patience. Important mission or not, he had finally had it with all of those losers. Lucian could've waited to celebrate after they did their job, but he had to be a pansy and go for the juice. If only life was easier, he could have better friends.

He failed to notice that he spilled the diet Cokes all inside the blender until there was a faint, ominous silence for about three seconds. Then he didn't realize he was on the floor outside of Surge's room until a powerful shake and BOOM of the floor jolted him to his senses. The combination of blended condiments, Mentos, and diet Coke made up a powerful force that was bigger than any of them had expected. Volkner had always thought that such a combination didn't exist in the modern world. The impact might've seriously injured him if he wasn't on the floor at the moment.

And Lucian was on top of him. Soaked, aggravated Lucian, scrambling to roll over and see the damage done to his baggy attire. While he cursed a beautiful string of foul words, Volkner leaned against the wall and rubbed his eyes in disbelief. "Dude, you totally just saved me."

"No, I didn't," Lucian muttered, humphing as he pushed his glasses forward. "You've got all of the senses knocked out of you."

"You tryin' to hide that soft spot you reserve for Cindy ? Can't let another man see the heroism ?"

"Shut the hell up ! Even if I_ did _save you - which I did not do in a romantic fashion - it'd only be because as the co-leader of the Elite Four, I have a duty to keep all of my bumbling brothers...alive."

"You wanted that free beer so bad. I guess I owe you one."

Lucian crossed his arms, frowning. "Don't be so impulsive, Volkner. I don't need to deal with another Flint." He smirked. "Besides, you can't afford my tastes."

"Whatever you say. Speaking of Flint, we better go."

"Hey, I caught up with you guys, yay !"

Both men turned around to find a soapy Aaron shuffling out of the room and waving at them. As they regrouped and ran toward the obstacle course, the green-haired man told them all about his part of the mission. The bathroom had gave way easily to a mess of bleach, soap, and clogged toilet water. Within the time allotted, the room was flooded to Aaron's ankles, which did make him squirm in disgust. Obviously the clogged toilet water was not just toilet water by the way he smelled. Combined with the mess made in Surge's room, the first part of the mission was successful. Volkner had to grin to himself. He had to admit that maybe his friends weren't such losers after all. Aaron was kind, Flint was risking his life, and Lucian gave up beer for the moment. Those noble blockheads.

It was time to top revenge, wannabe rockstar blockhead style.

End


	3. Sweet Revenge

Chapter 3: Sweet Revenge

The three men ran outside to the battlefield in what seemed like forever. Volkner tugged on his tank top as he viewed what they were up against. The two Electabuzz, Beef and Smoke, were shaking apples from an apple tree. Neither pokemon seemed to be deprived of sleep, strength, or sustenance. If anything went wrong in this part of the mission, the consequences could involve a high degree of Thunderbolt power. And indeed, judging from the sour expression on one of the Electabuzz's faces, they did not want to cross any wires.

Past the Electabuzz and pokemon was the legendary obstacle course. It was everything Volkner dreamed of in a death trap. All possible injury and trauma were packed within that mile-stretch. The barbed wire was rusty and bloody, eager to send people to the hospital. Groups of skittish, deranged Raticate snapped their wide jaws at one another, appearing sick by the long pools of drool cascading from the sides of their mouths. The neighboring Rattata from the front entrance made sure to keep away from their aggravated relatives by hiding in the trees or, in some cases, the potholes. And those potholes seemed plenty troublesome on their own, wide and deep. A short person could fall straight into one and be stranded for weeks. A tall person could twist his ankle if he attempted to jump one. And then there were the various other obstacles, like seas of broken glass, unimaginable piles of beer cans, thick, juicy mud puddles, and two fallen trees never picked up from the last lightning storm. This was what sent ninety-nine and a half men to their premature graves.

Luckily, Flint hadn't seemed to step a foot on the course yet. A few feet away from the starting line, the red-haired man was having the time of his life toying with the lieutenant's mind. Even from a far distance, everyone could clearly see Surge's body take on a lobster-red skin tone. Flint was doing a fine job spewing out about a decade's worth of insults to Surge's face. Weight, intelligence, hair color, tan color - the lieutenant grew angrier and angrier with each punch.

Then Flint stripped himself down to his undies and climbed up a tree in the middle of the course.

"GET BACK DOWN HERE, MAGGOT !" Surge snapped, charging headfirst towards the tree. "WHEN I GOT ALL YA'LL GATHERED UP, I WILL MAKE SURE YOU SUFFER LIKE MAGGOTS DO..."

That was the cue. Volkner tied a strip of cloth around his hair and rushed to the scene, picking a branch along the way. He wanted to pound the branch directly into Surge's head, but instead he stuck to prodding his father in the back with the pointy object. "Dad !" he called.

Surge turned around, hands still on the tree. "Adam Junior !"

Volkner turned red. "Hey, I thought I told you I go by Volkner now !" he spat. "And what the crap is with this 'junior' stuff ? I know your name's not Adam !"

"IT AIN'T NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHAT MY NAME IS !"

"I DON'T CA-...I mean, I don't care." Volkner raised his stick in the air. "We've got a bone to pick with you, Dad. You deprived us of time and energy meant to be loser rockstar wannabes, and we have decided to declare vengeance ! We shall be laughed at no longer !"

"Dude, if it's vengeance you want, your friend with the afro's scarring enough."

"No ! That would be only an easy punishment for you ! This act of vengeance dates back to your incompetence and willingness to put your only son through tremendous obstacles !"

He lowered his stick and brushed the top of Surge's hair. The lieutenant's blonde spikes seemed to rise as he stared at his son with a mixture of dismay, annoyance, and arrogance. "So...whatcha gonna do, son ?"

PUNCH !

The branch twirled out of Volkner's grip and skidded to the ground, split in two. Volkner ducked just in time before the meaty fist got to him. Without a trusty stick or willing pokemon, this would be a matter of hand-to-hand combat, which was a problem because Surge did have brute strength. The younger man dodged and ducked and leapt back as the lieutenant attempted to land a punch or kick on him. Surge may have been strong, but he was slow as a Snorlax. Watching all of those wrestling matches on the couch and drinking beer did not help the man speedup his metabolism. That was something Volkner could use to his advantage.

But then something else struck him. He had something even more powerful than that - the almighty beer. Americans seemed to love beer as if it was a type of holy water, though Volkner thought the smell of it was putrid, and the lieutenant embraced everything that was from the big land. With the beer in Surge's room totaled, he decided to make full use of the fallen. "Dad !" he called again.

THWACK ! The fists missed Volkner's head by a second. Surge lowered his head and gave a puzzled look as he scratched his head. Volkner grinned, placing his hands behind his head rather childishly. Now he would enjoy every minute of this, the good, old-fashioned mental torture. "Have you had a cold one yet ?"

"'Course not ! It's still too early for my American ale ! ...uhh, how do _you_ know about my American ale ? YOU'RE MESSING WITH MY HEAD !"

THWACK-THWACK !

That last punch collided with Volkner's jaw. He tumbled to the side, suddenly feeling lightheaded and seeing spinning Pikachu. The blood came out somehow, probably from his mouth as he tasted salt, and he could feel the last week flashing through his eyes. The plane trip, Aaron's easy intimidation, Lucian's haughty airs, Flint's oblivion to everything, the glops of mashed beans that made up three meals a day...that stuff alone could make his head spin.

He felt himself take a fall to the ground. The jaw pain would subject him to eating mashed beans longer than he expected. While he clamped his mouth shut to keep it from bleeding, he could see other things go down. One of the lieutenant's assistants came dashing to the obstacle course, belting out everything to his officer in a frenzied panic. When that was done, Surge smashed his bloodied fist against the tree and turned a dark magenta. The man pounded against the tree a second time. "What do you _mean_ there's beer leaking out of my room ?" he thundered. "What do you _mean_ ? My beer is a hundred percent genuine good ol' ale ! It can't be leaking nowhere 'less _I_ say it's leaking ! _YOU DON'T TELL ME IT'S LEAKING, GODDAMMIT !"_

"L-L-Lieutenant...ash, it's leaking."

**_"RAAAAAAGH !"_**

Surge rushed toward the camp building. About halfway there he forgot about the obstacle course and fell into one of the potholes. Through his pain Volkner cracked a grin, along with his friends and the assistant. Beef and Smoke were also more than amused, pointing at their trainer with crooked stubs and howling in laughter. Volkner wondered how much loyalty his father had truly earned. The man was too arrogant for even his pokemon. Nevertheless, they did it. A little more pain than expected, but they did it.

* * *

><p>"All right, honey, I want you to put that ice pack on your jaw every day for the rest of the week. No food that'll upset it. I'll try to get your father to pay for the hospital bills, but he was really made over his beer."<p>

"Thanks, Ma."

Nurse Joy took her hand off of Volkner's face and gave him a patient smile that only Nurse Joys could project. Volkner tried to smile back, but it came out crooked, a mixture from the swollen jaw and his own father's traits. He waved to his mother as she grabbed her hat and hurried off to the Pokemon Center. Even while Volkner was off from work, duty always called for a Nurse Joy. No fun time at the beach for her.

He yawned and draped the old towel over his arm as he headed outside and down to the beach. Kicking off his shoes, he felt the loose, hot sand upon his feet as he walked. There was always a great alternative to going off to a different region and wasting time trying to fight off your beefy lieutenant father. The lazier people had made up a word for this - the staycation. It wasn't the best term and always left a bitter taste in Volkner's mouth after saying it, but whatever worked. Besides, with his 'groupie' around, he could deal with anything.

Lounging in a folding chair, Candice was paging through a tactics book, still wearing that damn long-sleeve and having a sweater tied to her waist. Although she was tolerant of a lot of things, she'd never allow him to call her a groupie and keep his nose intact at the same time. Truth be told, she probably would've handled last week better than he or his loser friends. She could easily glare him down behind her eyeglasses, pouting because he had once again forgotten to ask Aaron if she could borrow his Mario game. Or something. "For someone who lives right by the beach, you sure look as pale as a Snover," she taunted.

"Sorry, sorry. I don't think Aaron's home anyway," Volkner apologized. "When I tried to call him yesterday, his voicemail said he was out of town. And I thought you hated the sun."

Candice snorted. "No. I hate the heat. I can't do my jogging in the mountains if I'm here. No need to worry, though, as a friend would say. If I like you enough to support your stupid dreams, then I'll be your Madonna."

"Madonna's not a rockstar- daow !"

She threw the book at him, making them both laugh. After the experience in Kanto, Volkner was very tense and swollen in the face. While the four friends went their separate ways, Candice volunteered herself to keep Volkner company as he adjusted to normal food and sleep. They had considered dishing out money so he could go to an actual rock and roll fantasy camp, but he had enough excitement for the year. All he needed now was his girl.

He crept over to her side and pecked her on the forehead. Grinning, Candice pressed her hands against the chair and moved over just slightly enough for him to share the space. As he sat down next to her, she grabbed his shoulders and headbutted him before kissing him back. Volkner felt a little dizzy but also glad. He tasted the breathmints, could feel the warmth of her hands, and the friction from their closeness. Making love never felt so down and dirty.

"_Wooo, and down below us are Volkner and Candice ready to get down and dirty ! I encourage you to take flash photography to forever capture the sexy moments ! For every good picture you take, I will pay you five dollars !_"

Volkner rolled into the sand and gasped as he looked up at the sky. Above them Flint waved a megaphone while he dangled from the safety bars of a helicopter. With him was Lucian, (a distraught) Aaron, and all of Volkner's closest neighbors with digital cameras and cellphones. Volkner felt his face grow hot not with passion but rage as he shook his fist in the air. "You idiot !" he hissed. "What the hell are you doing here ?"

"_And of course Volkner would interrupt the sweaty moment with his half-Yankee blood !_" Flint went on, ignoring Volkner. "_I will still offer two bucks a picture if you can capture his rare angry side !_"

Lucian shook his head and drank. Aaron covered his face with his hands, already looking a piggy pink himself. Volkner stood up and yelled again to no response. It was then that the passengers on the deck screamed in terror as the helicopter flipped upside-down, causing them to quickly go inside the chopper and shut the door. Flint almost dropped his megaphone as he, Aaron, and Lucian dangled from the safety bars. However, the afro-haired man still found a way to retain his annoying manner. "_And now we are being driven upside-down by our crazy hammered pilot, Mr. Pilot Man_ !" he announced, laughing. "_Ladies and gentlemen, perhaps this will now be the time for a wonderful adventure ! And may I say now that there will be no refunds !_"

"YOU IDIOT !"

Before Volkner could react, Candice was on her feet and calling out her Abomasnow. The pokemon looked uncomfortable in the heat and so seemed to be ready to dish out a Hyper Beam at a moment's notice. As he was about to do so, however, Volkner leapt onto the pokemon's back and wrapped his arms around him. Candice pouted and crossed her arms, but Volkner shook his head, grinning. "I've got this, Candice. I'll make sure nothing blows up."

"Hope so."

"Aboma ?"

Volkner ruffled the top of the Abomasnow's head and pointed to the helicopter. It was then that Flint realized that he could be seriously injured and threw the megaphone at the group below them. That cocky grin still showed on his face as the helicopter continued to zoom forward in the same direction. Both men knew that a powerful attack by Candice's Abomasnow would cause the helicopter to crash and possibly lead to lawsuits. If Volkner was going to strike, it would have to be done carefully.

Then the helicopter suddenly landed a few feet away from the group. Next to it was a Bronzong, hovering proudly above the ground. Lucian stepped off of the deck and stomped past Volkner and Candice with the pokemon following him, a visible amber splotch across his shirt. Aaron and the other passengers climbed out of the chopper next, wanting to see what kind of action their tour guide would bring. Most of Sunyshore's citizens had already seen Candice's pokemon in action; they liked what they say.

Last came Flint, grinning sheepishly. Volkner and Abomasnow now shared the same look of wicked pleasure as the latter sent a boulder hurdling toward the enemy. Flint dodged and flashed the v victory sign. In a flash he was down to his boxers yet again, showing off his bony torso. Candice lowered her head and glanced at Volkner, blushing out of frustration. "You can chase after him, you know," she murmured, "without your shirt. It's starting to get hot."

"Candice..."

"Naaa, you afraid to strip for your girlfriend ? You can't have a super-sexy cops-'n'-robbers chase around the beach with me, half-Yankee ?"

"Candice, quit your nosebleeding !"

Candice wiped her nose against her sleeve and nodded. Volkner tightened his grip on the Abomasnow, signaling him to chase after Flint. That was Flint's cue to start running, laughing like a maniac as he sprinted across the beach. He prompted Volkner to jump off of the pokemon's back and chase after him. There was no bargaining with the man this time. He wanted a super-sexy chase with a strong dose of injury ? Fine by Volkner. As far as he was concerned, this was just another adventure for him. A day in the life of a gym leader with the craziest loser friends a guy could have. Yet Volkner supposed he couldn't complain. The time spent at the boot camp made him realize that having adventures were still fun. It wasn't wrong to cut loose every once in a while, even with a swollen jaw. Life wasn't bad at all.

But they were still losers.

End 3


End file.
